In My Write Mind
1.19.2005

Q & A---The "Write Mind" Way...Part One

Here we go...the answers.

Edwige from DC wrote in:

I have a friend who recently discovered his birth family. Although this may be very, very personal, have you tried finding other members of your birth family and if you have, and succeeded, was it all you hoped for?

Well, I must say that I did have contact with my birth family up until my 5th birthday. That's when it was time for my birth father to basically shit or get off the pot. We had supervised visits where I got to meet with my brothers and sisters (5) and played for a few hours every three weeks. My birth father never showed up when it was time for him to take me, when I turned 5. So I got to know them as a toddler. LOL
Until recently, on the surface anyway, I didn't really have a desire to meet my family. I figured I was blessed, growing up with the Dawsons and turning out OK. But it started hitting me right around the time of Antwone Fisher, that maybe I wanted to at least see them and meet them--for no other reason than to ensure that I don't end up marrying my sister. Also, even though my life has been great to this point, deep down, I think I've harbored resentment over the fact that he didn't want the responsibility of taking care of me. Sure he was in the military, but he saw fit to care for my other siblings. Hell, maybe he knew that I'd be better off with the Dawsons. Maybe I know that too. They are the only family I've known my entire life. But experiencing that rejection, even at 5 years old, kinda sticks with you through adulthood.

So I envision meeting him and having a face-to-face a la Antwone, showing him that I don't hate him, but that I'm doing very well...you know, in case he was wondering. I've always wondered what happened to my siblings: how they've turned out, how life has treated them. Maybe this year will be the time for me to find out. Edwige, I haven't done it yet. But this year...maybe.

Mia from Gawja wondered:

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back, or rather, have you ever given 100% to someone only to receive 30% from them?

Sure have. I was once in love with a young lady who accepted my affections, but didn't really reciprocate. I was doing the whole "flowers and candy" thing, buying her things for special occasions, continuously telling her how much I cared for her, only to be given curt answers in response. SHe never went out of her way for me, never did the little things that I did for her. But that was fine. I loved her and she was with me, so I just KNEW she loved me back. Well...not so much.

But I was too blind to see that she wasn't feeling me on the same level. Enter my best friend, who is female. She told me on more than one occasion that my "girl" just wasn't feeling me like I was feeling her. At first, of course, I scoffed at that notion. I mean, I'm Will Dawson, Bitches!!! LOL What opened my eyes wide was the time we made plans to celebrate our 6-month anniversary (I made dinner reservations. I know I was corny, but damn. I lubbed her!!!). And she showed up late. An hour late. No excuse. No apologies. She just sauntered in and sat down. That made me take a step back and realize that "she just wasn't that into me." It was sad. She gave less than 30% and I couldn't see it. Didn't want to see it. I was pathetic.

My As-long-as-her-muscular-husband-doesn't-read-the-blog-or-else-I'll-claim-I-never-knew-her-Cyber Love Thang X wanted to know:

1. Are you originally from NY?

Yes. I was born by a river (Harlem) in a little hospital (Harlem) and raised in St. Albans, Queens. I've also lived in Brooklyn and now am back in Harlem.

2. If you could think of the perfect day - whether it's possible right now, or not... how would it go, from start to finish? =)

Hmmm...I've actually given this some thought before. I would wake up at 8am to my mother's breakfast; all my favorite morning foods which would include CEREAL, and I could eat it because, on a perfect day, I wouldn't be lactose intolerant. hehehe

After the wonderful breakfast, around 10am, I would drive with my dad out to Freeport to go fishing, casting our lines as far as the eye could see and catching more fish than we'd know what to do with. Porgies, flounder, bass...we'd catch it all. All the while he'd be singing his favorite songs as the sun shined brilliantly and the wind swirled playfully around us. Never tilting our boat or breaking our groove...just a peaceful, perfect swirl. After returning home, around 4pm, I'd get back to writing a few chapters in the perfect book, one that everyone couldn't wait to get their hands on, one that told the perfect story.

The words would flow that day, the perfect day, as I typed with a force and a vision that I've never had before. I would do that for a few hours, until the perfect story was stored away on my hard drive, and then drive over to the perfect italian restaurant, where I'd dine with my best friends and have the perfect meal. That would be my day. I'm a simple man. I'd just love the day to be peaceful. And spent with those that I love. That...would be perfect.

3. What is attractive to you about a woman?

Where do I begin? LOL I love women. Can't say I rightly understand them, but then...that's another blog. There are so many things that are attractive to me. Too many. There are the primary things, which I think I've mentioned before. Her smile, her hands, her eyes. Sometimes it can be a crooked smile, one that creases on just one side, that can be cute as hell. Smooth hands (no man hands!!!) turn me on. A beautiful pair of eyes drive me crazy. It's not so much the color but the shape that could have me climbing walls. LOL

And then there's the other, secondary things. Like her walk, her shape, her laugh, her voice. Is there anyone alive that doesn't admire a black woman's walk? I find a great sense of humor attractive, one who stimulates my mind with her mind is attractive. I think I'm gonna stop there. LOL

(***THIS JUST IN: For the sake of saving room
for more answers, all questions about the blog crush have been sequestered until
further notice. Thank you. Management.***)


4. What is your biggest fear?

Wow. Good one, X. I truly believe my biggest fear is not failure, as many would answer. Nope. My biggest fear is...succeeding. Yup. I believe that it is that fear that has held me back from accomplishing so much more in my life.

I mean, sure I do what I love for a living, but imagine if I had that innate drive to succeed as, say, Michael Jordan? I mean, that cat was ruthless in his quest to be the best. He would do whatever he deemed necessary to be holding a trophy at the end of the year. And that's what I'm missing, what I need to build up within myself. That drive. I need to get rid of the fear of success. If I had even a portion of that drive, I could be a Pulitzer Prize winner by now. The Antwone Fisher story would've been mine to tell. I have a story to tell. And I'm procrastinating in the telling of it. I'm my own worst critic.I truly feel I hold myself back from achieving. Sigh.

The rest of the answers will be posted in Part Two...this is getting tooooo long. LOL

scribbled by Will at 1/19/2005 03:01:00 PM
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Mind Droppings

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. (Joan Didion)



The Write One


Will. Lefty. Since Summer 1971.
Over the next six months, I'll be saying some hellos, some goodbyes. Living, laughing, growing. Don't.miss.a.word.
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