In My Write Mind
1.05.2005

Letter Rip...

Well, since my main blog squeeze Xquizzyt1 and my homie Cocoa saw fit to do it, who am I not to follow suit?!?!? I mean, I know this time I'm not following behind Singing, but still...it's official. LOL

So here, without any further delay, are my confessions (like a broke ass Usher): 13 letters that speak to my write mind.

1. I must admit, you almost had me. I was falling harder than Michelle did on BET, starting to care for you in "that kind of way." All the while slipping and sliding through your pool of lies from Day 1. You said your ex wasn't a factor, but Lauryn Hill told me that exes are ALWAYS a factor. I didn't listen. Sorry, Lauryn. You told me at first that you didn't smoke, right after I told you how much I abhor smokers. A week later, you came clean with your dirty secret...and begged me not to leave you. I didn't. But from that point on, I leaned back. Waiting for the next lie. It was weird. I was hanging around, knowing that I wasn't going to be in it for the long haul. I'm angry at myself for seeing the forest, but chillin' with the girl who smoked trees anyway. New Year's was the ultimate. You know what you did. So do I. I came to realize--albeit a little late, but thankfully not too late--that nothing solid can built on a foundation of lies. One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, some guy you try to lie to will leave you lying face down somewhere. I would never be that guy. I care too much. And that's what makes me the most angry. No lie.

2. Wow. Has it been almost four years?!?!?! It seems like yesterday we were travelling to Oakland to see Joanna and her family, or to Los Angeles getting into all sorts of trouble. You were my road dawg, my ace. You were that rare person that EVERYBODY liked. Even the dudes whose girls you stole away ended up being cool with you. You were like The One in THE MATRIX!!! LOL I miss you. When I found out that you'd died from injuries stemming from your motorcycle accident, I couldn't believe it. You were only 29 years old, missing 30 by a month. Unbelievable. Going to your funeral was tough. I tried to be a soldier, standing by your casket with a hardened expression, bending but not breaking. And then I saw my mother and all facades of decorum quickly crumbled. I cried. Because I was sad. And because all I could think about is how you would come over and spend Sundays with my parents, even when I wasn't there. All I could think about is how much my parents appreciated that, referring to you as one of their own children. People thought we were brothers, we hung so tough. That's walked with me everyday since you've been gone. All that you were to everyone else, you were a great friend to me. Rest in peace, my friend.

3. You're my boy. Have been since you were a little kid. I was best friends with your sister, but we always kicked it, even when you weren't legal. You remember the times we used to talk your way into the booty bars? The fake ID that almost got you arrested in the redneck part of town? And now, all these years later, you are still my true friend. We can swap stories about women and laugh about them, talk one another out of smashing windshields and pouring sugar into gas tanks...for that, I say thank you. Whatever you need, you know I got your back. I never was blessed to have a little brother. Wait, yes I am. He's you. One Love.

4. You never say "I told you so," which by the way are the four most cringe-inducing words in the English language when put together. I know I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, but you've never judged me. We were friends right out of the womb. Our birthdays are two days apart. We're both writers. We have so much in common...always have. That one time when we were 5, and our family tried to make us boyfriend and girlfriend (lol), they were trippin. Over the years, we knew we would do them one better and be best friends. My family is your family. Til this day. Remember all of the significant others who were jealous over our friendship? Remember all the times we finally introduced one another to people we were dealing with and they felt like they already knew us due to our bragging about one another's accomplishments? Yeah, me too. I know we don't talk like we used to. You're married...with children. I'm single...with issues. LOL But no one will ever break our bond. No one will ever be as close as you and I are. Happy New Year to you. I love you.

5. I just don't get you. Maybe it's because you're young. But I still can't figure you out. What do you want out of life? What do you want from me? I ask you this all the time, and I swear if I hear the words "I don't know" one more time, I will throw my hands up like a Spike Lee character and be done with you. I want to get to know you, but then again, maybe I shouldn't. You.may.very.well.be.crazy. LOL Ummm, never mind. **whistlin and moonwalking away**

6. You make me smile every single day. I look forward to reading your words, your silly compositions on this thing called life. You're whimsical, witty, comical and crazy. I feel like I know you. Or at least what you want me to know of you. And you know what? I'm fine with that. Alas, I thinks me gots a crush on you like an old Jets song. What do I do about it? I mean, I know that the written word is powerful, but is it like THAT? LOL It's still not time to reveal my crush. One day. Hopefully, soon. But know this: in the indomitable words of Jill Scott, You got me. Sigh.

7. You disappoint me. How could you let what other people say come between our friendship? Whatever issue you had with me, we could've discussed it like men. But you chose to go the punk rout, talking behind my back like a beyotch and then smiling in my face. What kind of man are you? If anything, I should be the one upset. You knew I was talking to that girl. But you stalked her and finally got her. Not that I blame you alone. But still...I didn't expect anything from her. I expected more of you. I cannot wait for October 31 to get here. Funny that's the day on the calendar when it will be over, since you masked your true self from me all this time. I am counting the days. You disappoint me. Bitch.

8. You are such a cutie pie. You make me smile when you smile with no teeth in your mouth. I look at you and see so many possibilities, so much potential. You're always on the honor roll and are wise beyond your six years. Keep up the good work. Keep striving. And above all, keep smiling.

9. I know. I know you're hurting inside. I mean, you must be. Your outbursts and silent rage tell the outer story. I just wish I could see inside, see what the cause of your pain is...because there's definitely something. Is it the fact that your little sister gets so much attention? If so, talk to me. I know from growing up around women. Is it that you find the work at school difficult? Talk to me. I will help you. Is it something that happened to you when you were a little boy? Let somebody know, even if it has to be a professional. The point is, I want to be able to help you. But you have to want the help. You have to communicate it to me. I will always be in your corner. You're my nephew. I love you.

10. What's up with you? Lately, you've been doing some really fucked up things. Mom told me what you did to her. Lawd. I don't hear from you unless you need something. I call you and always get your voicemail. Everything is not OK. Sometimes, I want to come and visit you, just to say hello. But when I've done that in the past, I've been greeted with a scowl and a horrible attitude. I know it's not something I did, because you would've been quick to set me straight. So, whatever it is--whether it's job related or one of your boyfriends or your daughter--please make things right so I can get my loving sister back. Who you are now...I just don't know you. What's up?

11. I know it's not easy being you. I know of the sacrifices you made to be a wife and a mother. I know that you wish you could be in a better position right now, not folding clothes at a retail store. And I also know that you're doing this because it is necessary. Your kids need to eat and to go to school. I often wish that you'd never moved to California those years ago, setting up house with a man without the benefit of marriage. I know now that you wished you'd stayed here in New York, went to college and pursued your dreams. I know you have a few regrets. Your kids are not two of them. I will continue to help you in any way I can. You know you can depend on me. Stay strong.

12. We argue over stupid things. We can't help it. We're both stubborn. It's so bad that when we do say things that usually get a rise out of one another, and they don't respond, we ask if there's something wrong. LOL That's our relationship in a nutshell. Of course we love one another. That's clear. What's also clear is that I love you. With all my heart. And I know that he's not around anymore, but I'm here. To help you. To be your friend, your antagonist, your support, your son.

13. I miss you. Everyday. You know this. I hope that you are finally able to rest without pain. Please...rest in peace.

scribbled by Will at 1/05/2005 04:02:00 PM
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Mind Droppings

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. (Joan Didion)



The Write One


Will. Lefty. Since Summer 1971.
Over the next six months, I'll be saying some hellos, some goodbyes. Living, laughing, growing. Don't.miss.a.word.
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