In My Write Mind
12.01.2004

Cereal Killer

***Soundtrack--Stop Turning Me On, New Edition, Bad Boy's Greatest R&B Hits***

So I was chatting with Brown Sugar today. Lovely young lady. We laughed about both of our last posts and, when discussing hers--which was all about old school cartoons--I told her she took me back, wayyyy back.

And then...the subject switched to cereal. One of my most favorite subjects in the whole wide world. Really. No, you don't understand. I could sit here and rattle off every line from every cereal commercial that was made back in the 70s and 80s.

THAT'S how much I love cereal.

So today, in the midst of allll the work I have to do before I go on vacation next week, in spite of all the projects that need to be completed by Friday, yes, putting all of that aside, right now, I will systematically do a break down of my favorite cereals from childhood. I.love.this.



  • Frosted Flakes

The absolute KING of the cold cereal. The sweet cousin of Corn Flakes, nothing beat indulging in the sweet, soggy flakes while Smurfing on the living room floor on Saturday morning. By the way, where in the hell did they come up with the idea for Tony the Tiger, one of the most underrated cereal salesmen of our time. I mean, he wore a scarf with his name embroidered on the side, like he was ahead of his time. I mean, this was way before Laverne wore the L, before Fonzie's leather jacket, even before Scheinder and his rolled up sleeve on One Day At A Time. He is, for all intents and purposes, a watershed character and I, for one, would like to give his creator, Kellogg's, their props. Seriously, they're like the Walt Disney of cereal.

Ok, Ok...you know you were waiting for it, so I'll say it. I'm not ashamed. THEY'RE GRRRRRREATTTT!!!

  • Cap'n Crunch

Wooo boy! A close second to Frosted Flakes, and I mean a CLOSEsecond. The little nuggets of corny goodness shaped like treasure chests, taking on milk like a life preserver while retaining its crunchiness--for a while. And aye, there's the rub. If you left it in the milk for too long (like I did), the crunch would fade like a bad haircut and the "Crunch" would get stuck in your teeth. Which, in case you were wondering, was STILL not a bad thing. And I actually wrote this next sentence today while chatting with Sugar:

"I loved Crunch Berries. They were like Crunch PLUS!"

WTF? She musta had me caught up in the nostalgia...LOL I did love 'em, though. All that the original had, plus a crazy looking creature on the box, and that berry goodness! Oh, GOOD TIMES!!!! And what's up with Quaker Oats spelling the word Captain like Cap'n? Didn't they know kids were impressionable and would lose spelling bees for misspelling the word based on their love of the Crunch? Didn't they know that kids, at age 5, will ALWAYS take the easy way out and spell words the easiest way possible?!?!? Somebody needs to investigate this.

  • Super Golden Crisp

What can you say about the Bear? First of all, what you can definitely say is that he was black. Negro. African American. Whatever. He was a Brother Bear. And the cereal, sort of like crack today, was addictive. Sure, they resembled black eye peas (seeeee? BLACK PEOPLE FOOD!!!) and the bear sang like he was straight out of a smoked-out jazz club. His name was SUGAR BEAR, for crying out loud!!! But I loved it! This was actually on the Post web site: Post Golden Crisp was the first ever sweetened cereal. Sugar Bear, the Post Golden Crisp cereal spokescharacter, was introduced in 1963 wearing his familiar blue sweater. Sugar Bear's favorite food is a delicious box of Post Golden Crisp cereal. Just ask and he will tell you that he "can't get enough of that Post Golden Crisp."

After that paragraph, there's nothing left for me to type. LOL

  • Cheerios

WHAT?!?!?! General Mills up in the hizz-ouse! LOL Come on, if you were a kid living ANYWHERE in America, at some point there was a box of Cheerios in your cabinet. Alone, the little oats would clash with milk, making kids around the globe chaffe each time their parents busted it out. In fact, if you were like me, you would play with the oats instead of eat them, even, embarrassingly enough, shoot them out of your nose at your sibling...LOL However, if and when you had Cheerios, if you put just the right amount of sugar on them (read: half the container), those things tasted like oaty sunshine!!! All that, and it lowers cholesterol, too?!?!?! Shiiii...pass the O's like ya used ta do...

  • Lucky Charms

This is taken straight from the General Mills web site: "Theyre always after me Lucky Charms!" A favorite for more than four decades, delicious Lucky Charms cereal features frosted oats and colored marshmallows. Lucky the Leprechaun creates the marshmallow shapes – hearts, moons, stars, clovers, horseshoes, pots of gold, rainbows and red balloons – with his rainbow magic. While kids love the taste, parents are happy that Lucky Charms is fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals, and is a good source of calcium. It's magically delicious!

**blank stare**

Why did we like this stuff again? I wouldn't eat it now, even if someone was torturing me for the secrets to my mama's fried chicken. But back then, back in the day, this stuff tasted like candy in a bowl. I liked it. I can admit it. But not as much as I liked...

  • FrankenBerry

Man oh man. I can still remember going to the store with my parents and asking, nay, demanding that we bring this cereal home. It was oats and marshmallow-type pieces that fit into this tasty puzzle. It was strawberry. It was candy. It was a berry symphony. This...is General Mills' greatest creation to date. Some would say that Count Chocula was better, but not for my money. Orrr my parents' money. LOL

And last, but certainly not least...You gotta love...

  • Rice Krispies

The cereal that talked to you?!?!?! Has there ever been an cerealic equal?!?!? Sure, Snap and his boys were more gay than Rosie O'Donnell at a NOW rally, but who cared? Back then, gay meant happy. And my cereal talking to me made me happy. And ya know, I can see that Snap was a chef, ala the hat. But what in da hell were Crackle and Pop? Were they the Miracles to Snap's Smokey Robinson? Were they rejects from the Seven Dwarfs? Was Kellogg's overstepping its Disney boundaries? As you can see, years later, I'm still full of questions. And if you listen really carefully, put your ear next to the bowl, somewhere that cereal is talking to you with an answer. Just once...just ONCE those little rice thingys coulda given me the answers to my math test. Well, OK. Maybe not.

As you can see, I could go on and on about my favorite cereals. And really, that's about all I can do. Because now that I've reached my 30s, the days of enjoying Kix or Trix or Rice Chex or Raisin Bran are allll behind me. Nope, no more can I have my way with Honeycomb or savor my Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles. Not the way I used to, anyway. Nope. Lactose intoleration has changed everything. Sure, every once in a while I'll splurge, pick up some soy milk from the local Associated and get busy with some Oatmeal Crisp.

But I'll have to be alone when I do it. Or else, like those misunderstood souls who get sent to prison unjustly, I will be known to whomever is around as...the Cereal Killer.

Somebody, anybody...light a candle...LOL


scribbled by Will at 12/01/2004 04:42:00 PM
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Mind Droppings

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. (Joan Didion)



The Write One


Will. Lefty. Since Summer 1971.
Over the next six months, I'll be saying some hellos, some goodbyes. Living, laughing, growing. Don't.miss.a.word.
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